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EYELASHES AND GRANOLAAAA CRUMBS / NEVAH THOUGHT I WOULD SEE YOU AGAIIIIN…
From my new song, ‘Shaking My Keyboard Out At My Desk’
BREAKING: Burger King ‘Black Burger’ made popular in Japan fails in south as people roll up windows, lock doors in the drive through.

Made a pizza out of Naan and feta and other good stuff…

Now with beer and David Wain’s newest.

Happy Sunday.

Hams eating ice cream.

Hams eating ice cream.

At the company event today, I *may* have pushed a 4 year old aside to ensure I got my turn.

At the company event today, I *may* have pushed a 4 year old aside to ensure I got my turn.

Someone on reddit posted that Tinnitus was going to soon take away his ability to hear. He asked if we were in the same position what the last thing we would want to hear, if we could so choose it, would be. I wanted to share my comment to him in case anyone else is going through this privately or publicly that I am not aware of. Love you all.

"My heart goes out to you. I looked at this trying to think of a song or something profound and then I realized how hard it would be for me to even imagine this.

To not be able to hear my daughter give her vows on her wedding day to whatever lucky man or woman she ends up with, or the cries of any newborn grandchildren… The groundbreaking speech from the next generation of influential people. My wife telling me she loves me but not hearing the softness behind it. The power of the inflection.

So I would say this to you, what I would do is have a family dinner with the closest people to you. No wife and kids? Bring your cousin you havent seen in years. Bring together friends from school and kids and tell them you are going to record. Put out your smartphone or digital recorder. Start sharing stories. Ones you haven’t told or heard for years. Get every laugh. Every sigh, every I love you and every little bit of it.

Play it back to yourself periodically during the coming days. Play it softly in your ears when you go to bed. Maybe when the deafening silence comes it won’t be as traumatic because you’ll have these beautiful voices and moments captured forever until the end.

I’m sorry, so sorry but wish you well, fellow man.”

When life hands you turkey bacon then quiches.

I have to present a powerpoint in a gimmicky ‘Shark Tank’ type of meeting.

My boss said they may “Throw some snarky comments like they do on the TV show, so I hope you can quip back on your feet.” 

I don’t think he realizes who he put in charge of this.

I have to present a powerpoint in a gimmicky ‘Shark Tank’ type of meeting.

My boss said they may “Throw some snarky comments like they do on the TV show, so I hope you can quip back on your feet.”

I don’t think he realizes who he put in charge of this.

"Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these firefighters and policemen, literally with buckets, rebuild… THAT’S extraordinary."

I take business meetings seriously, which is why I wait for the Q&A to play “I’m crushing your head.”

I take business meetings seriously, which is why I wait for the Q&A to play “I’m crushing your head.”

DAY 9 OF DIET:

After peeling the top off my NO FAT Yoplait yogurt cup, of course I had to lick the lid of the dumpster behind Mcdonald’s.

The banana I brought to work turned black faster than Oprah Winfrey does when presenting a VIBE award.
Thank you, CareNow for the amazing wait times that come along with your web check ins.

Thank you, CareNow for the amazing wait times that come along with your web check ins.

Under the wire

Under the wire

I guess they’re doing a ‘Muppet Babies’ type thing with Star Wars and Han Solo but… Wait. No way. Is… Is this…

SWEET BABY JESUS!

I guess they’re doing a ‘Muppet Babies’ type thing with Star Wars and Han Solo but… Wait. No way. Is… Is this…

SWEET BABY JESUS!